The One, Who Watches Over Us | Denver, Colorado Birth & Motherhood Photographer
2015 was a stressful year, with packing up and moving from Japan to Colorado. From Japan, we flew into Seattle, where we stayed for two days. We purchased our first car. We then drove from Seattle to Oklahoma, with our two boxers, Caesar and Casper. At this time, we'd only been married for a little over 2 years. This 36 hour drive, we did non-stop, just taking turns since we were jet-lagged and wanted to be out of the car. We spent a month in Oklahoma, me meeting my husband's family for the first time.
We arrived to Colorado late July 2015, we stayed in the TLF for about a month, while our house was getting ready, although it was "ready"... you know, military. I started a new job, as an assistant teacher at a learning center, not too far away. We were enjoying our first few months here.
I remember this day like it was yesterday. It was September 6th, when I started my menstrual cycle. I didn't think anything of it, at all to be honest. I usually had really bad cramps. I remember my mom keeping me home when I was younger and first started because of the pain I was in. Every month was a heavy flow, cramps that made me feel sick to my stomach. Times, when I wouldn't even be able to lay in my bed, etc. Times, where I would be throwing up, etc. I talked to the nurses hot line, when we arrived, because in August, when we first got here, I was puking up. They told me it was normal, probably from the altitude, so of course when I got my second menstrual here in Colorado, I thought it was normal.
I returned back to work on the 8th, still cramping which was very un-usual, to be cramping still by day 3ish. I was still having a very heavy flow, again not normal for me. I didn't think much of it, but that it was irregular because my body was adjusting to Colorado. Day 4, 5, 6 came. I started to question why I was still on my period. I remember the day clearly, on the 11th of September, still trying to run around & play with my kids in my class, I couldn't. I had no energy. These sharp cramping pains in my stomach, I had to sit down. I felt light headed, dizzy so to speak. I went to the bathroom, feeling sick to my stomach more than I should've. I figured, it was a Friday, I would probably be over it on the weekend.
Saturday approached and all I could do, was stay in bed and sleep. I didn't want to eat anything. I didn't want anything to drink. I wasn't feeling normal. Still, there was a heavy flow. Blood clots, now. I remember calling the nurse hot line. They told me that this was totally normal and they didn't give me a referral to an emergency room, so I thought, okay, well maybe my body is still adjusting. I called my friend, who was a nurse, she mentioned she thought I was miscarrying. I told her that there was no way, I would be miscarrying, because I wasn't pregnant, so I laughed it off, at the time.
Sunday rolled around, still just wanting to sleep. Now, soaking pads with blood clots, and so many blood clots passing, while using the bathroom. My friend, called me and got really serious. She asked me, how many pads I was soaking an hour. I told her about 3. She told me that she would recommend me going to the ER, so to call the nurse hotline for a referral. I called the nurse hotline again. I told them that I was soaking pads, sharp cramping pains, they again told me that it was normal, take some tylenol and I should feel better in 24 hours. My husband & I went to the ER anyways. By this time, it was late Sunday night, around 11:00.
We arrived, I gave the receptionist everything that was going on with my body. We sat and waited forever, it felt like before we were seen. It was around 5:30 AM when we were taken back. I got asked the general questions about when the last time was we had intercourse, you know, yada yada yada. I explained that I honestly didn't remember with all the moving, etc. There were nurses coming in & leaving, asking questions, taking blood for pregnancy tests, etc. I had to do an urine test, yada yada yada. Well, when my doctor came back in the room not in the nicest way, she said you are pregnant and you're miscarrying....
My heart just shattered. I felt like someone stabbed me 10x harder in my stomach. The staff, that I had was rude to begin with. The news was delivered horribly and then on top of all of that, I am miscarrying. I didn't even know I was pregnant. She then goes to mention, that I was about 6-7 weeks along, and that it looks like I have an ovarian cyst as well. I'm not worried about my cyst. I don't care about that cyst. I'm still on the fact that, Andre & Myself are miscarrying, when we didn't even know we were pregnant. We didn't get a heartbeat.. we didn't know we were having a little one. I started thinking to myself, that I could've prevented this. I could've went into the ER a few days earlier, a few hours earlier and it could've been stopped... I could have been a mama to that sweet babe. I, for the longest time, blamed the nurses hotline and blamed myself for not being checked out sooner, when I knew something didn't feel right. I could've prevented all of this....
No, we were not trying to become pregnant. Those were not our intentions, but I've never thought that when we got pregnant that we would have a miscarriage. I know that miscarrying happens more times than not. I totally understand that, but my heart was at a stand still. I started thinking about if it would've been a sweet baby girl or a baby boy. What we would've named this sweet baby. Who the baby would've looked like, who this new babe would've acted like. Our lives as new parents, how we would've been as parents, etc.
A few months later, we found out we were expecting with Tristan. My sweet rainbow babe. My baby boy. Throughout the beginning of my pregnancy, I was bleeding... I just knew that he wasn't going to make it. I went into the ER, they told me I was having a threatened miscarriage. I completely shut down, I freaked out. I was terrified. Luckily, we made it to 39 weeks + 3 days, before this sweet baby boy, blessed us with his presence. I am so grateful for the life that I was able to give him, everyday.
I know that we have a little one watching over his or her littlest sibling down here. I know that our little one is watching over us as parents & know that we love him/her very much!
I am ONE in FOUR. <3